What the F%!*?

More from my world:

-I love strolling into the office in the morning, minding my p's and q's, only to get absolutely bombarded with questions before I can even set my keys in my lovely cube space. It's unbelievable. You'd think that all 11 of my team members have been huddling together, thinking of questions to ask me at the very moment they see me, and not a god damn second later.

-Heineken is such a wonderful, sumptuous gift from the heavens. The beautiful green bottle, so enticing when it's ice cold. I've got a great little beer fridge in my Man Den (story for another time), but I just don't think a refrigerator does the Green Bottle justice. I imagine such a wonderful beverage should be delivered by little Man Den Elves. I wonder if they're in season with Christmas Elves? Perhaps they could live in a small, yet luxurious dwelling (any being that maintains the Green Bottle deserves a first-rate abode) behind the fridge in the Den. That way nobody would know about them except me, and my Fridge would always be stocked with "happy medicine." Plus, when I've had one too many Heineken's, the elves could scurry out from their little factory and cover me with a blanket, all while making little elf noises like the miniature dudes from Spaceballs. Yes, indeed. That's the life right there.

-By the way, if anyone reading this knows of a place that I can get paid good money to write my random thoughts, I'm all ears. What a freakin' awesome job. I could get jacked up on heaps of caffeine every day and write about all the weird people/things in the world. Then again, why would I want to do something that will leave me satisfied for 10 hours a day? If I'm being honest, the office does have all my favorite things: staplers, envelopes (and they're free!),printers, reports, bosses, cubes (oh, how I adore being confined to a cube), elevators, reception desks and all the quirky people and awkward conversation a guy could ever hope for. It's like heaven, only it looks and feels much more like hell. Quite the dichotomy.

-Thursday nights are cool. I know I've only got one day left in the work week, I feel like I can stay up and play a little longer than other weeknights, and I'm assured of a plethora of quality TV like "The Office" and "My Name is Earl." Plus, during this time of year we're blessed with all kinds of good sports. We've got the baseball playoffs, football season is in full swing; what a beautiful time of year. I can literally spend days on end in the Man Den, and if my wife would let me, I would. I'd plant myself in there, stock the fridge with Heineken (the elves would re-stock when I ran out), and watch sports, play guitar and blog until the year 2063. Like Howard muthafuckin' Hughes! Trust me, a few hours in the Man Den and you'd think that dude was a freakin' genius. Why, pray tell, would you want to leave the friendly confines of the Man Den when you've got everything you need right in front of you (and I don't even have a super sweet mansion like Hughes did)? I suppose I'd have to call for delivery, but that's a minor inconvenience. After a while, I wouldn't even have to talk to the delivery place. They would just look at caller ID and know exactly what I want. I could maybe just grunt to confirm my order, leave money outside the door and the guy could leave me and my food in peace. No, in all seriousness, I would never want to be that much of a hermit. I'd at least be friends with the delivery guy. Bada bing! I'm telling you, people. You all think I'm nuts, but build yourself a Man Den and you won't be disappointed.